The Emotions

One of my maternal fetal doctors (MFM) called me stoic. I'm not going to name names but it may or may not be the one who goes to my church and actually knows me outside of the office. Anyway, I have always thought that I'm terrible at hiding my emotions- you can usually read them all over me. I thought I'd take a minute and let you know that I do, in fact, have emotions.

I'm about to become a mom again. It seems very surreal. This pregnancy has been so entirely different than my other two that its hard for me to realize that the end result is the same: a baby or two. I've been so focused on the pregnancy- eating right, resting enough, drinking a ton of water, etc- that I've barely focused on the fact that I'm going to have two sons.

I'm about to become a mom to boys. I don't even know what to expect! I'm so so excited that I get to be a mom to both genders. I'm looking forward to being loved by sons and raising strong young men. I'm a little intimidated by toddler boys but at least they don't come out as toddlers.

I'm about to become a mom of multiples. I never, ever, ever expected that I would be a mom to multiples. I always have been fascinated by multiples and I think that, since I'm not a twin, being a mom to twins is definitely the next best thing. I think it will be intriguing to watch the twins grow up and see how it is different from having just one at a time. I wonder how much harder it will be to have two babies at once instead of one. But again, I'm a little more scared of having two toddlers at once than babies.

I'm about to become a mom to four under four. I've always wanted three, four, five kids... but they came a wee bit faster than I anticipated. I feel very overwhelmed thinking about caring for all of them all day, every day. People always tell me that God won't give me more than I can handle. I think God and I have very different ideas of what I can handle. The good thing is that I'm under NO impression that I can do this in my own strength. I don't have the depth to meet all their needs. I know I will fail if I do not daily surrender to the power of the resurrection and claim Phil 4:13. His strength. He strengthens me. I have a feeling I will learn this full stop this next year or 18 years.

I'm about to become a mom to preemies. Again another title I never imagined I'd have. I'm not as scared as maybe I should be. The survival rates and long term prognosis for 34 week twins are the same as full term twins. The only difference is a little NICU stay. I feel so thankful we have made it this far. The boys have a great chance. We toured the NICU tonight meeting nurses and learning procedures and there were many 26, 27 week babies in there. I cannot help but be joyful that my babies are almost 34 weeks. I wanted so badly to carry them to term and not have to do NICU. But I'm learning that for TTTS babies- 34 weeks practically is term. They just don't make it past that. The Lord has been gracious to us. 20 years ago, our twins would have had about a 10% chance to survive at all. Now we are looking at big preemies who will hopefully get to go home with us soon.

Wow I must have had a lot of emotions to talk about. The only time I cried today was when I got flowers from some of the best friends in the world. Ah I might tear up again. At least no one can see me.