Dear Sienna

Sweet Sienna,

You let me rock you to sleep tonight; what a precious one year gift for your mommy. Its been months since I've held you as your eyes drifted closed. You allowed me one more night to drink in your babyness, to savor your soft snuggles even I as dream about the walking, talking toddler you are becoming. This day is full of memories- watching the fireworks in the air as well as in my belly telling me your time was near and holding my newborn daughter with her head full of jet black hair. What a year we've had together- you and I! And I do mean together. You are a mommy's girl through and through and I think its because of all the time we've spent together battling out the hard times of this year. A year ago, I never imagined I would learn all about reflux, MPI, chiropractors, PPIs, and planning meals without dairy or tomatoes. But I did and I would do it all again in a heartbeat if needed.

With as many difficulties as we've had this year, you'd think I'd be ready to say good-bye and move on to the year you should outgrow this milk protein intolerance and hopefully wean off your reflux meds. But I'm not. I just love the baby year. It can be hard scheduling sometimes since we were nursing and I ran out of freezer milk a few months ago. But I will have years and years of not having to worry about missing a feeding. Now I have an excuse to slow down, to sit down and to cuddle with my baby. I only have two more nursings until I get on a plane and fly away to a second honeymooon with Daddy and I'm in tears now thinking of it. Its so final- the end of a stage. You will be much more independent of me and its bittersweet on my end. I think its bittersweet on your end too because somedays you just refuse to drink your soymilk.

When you feel good, you are the most joyful little girl. You laugh spontaneously and it makes my heart burst. You love playing peek-a-boo and "Where's Sienna" in which you cover your own eyes and then surprise us by peeking out. When I say its time to go night-night, you start blowing kisses. And if I'm lucky, I get a big, sloppy one right on my face. Your Daddy and I asked God if we could have a snuggly baby after having your independent-from-the-start sister. He said yes. I wore you in my sling for many months; it was both a lifesaver during those early confusing painful months and a security for many months past then.

You adore your big sister. Adore doesn't even come close. She is very patient with you; even a little mommyish sometimes but you put up with it well. You willingly oblige her commands for saying please in sign language even if you don't really want your cup. Again. You like to read just like she does and I love our reading times together before nap time. Your favorite book is "Moo, Baa, LaLaLa" or maybe that's just my favorite book to read to you. I love hearing you say moo but even more hearing you say Lalala. You do open your book drawer, stick your head in and say lalala so I think you like it too.

You still don't eat a wide variety of foods and some of that has to do with the one lone tooth peeking through your gums! Its hard to bite with no teeth! But what you lack in variety, you make up for in quantity. You, like your fellow Caskeys, enjoy eating. You are taking steps around but walking is not your preferred method of moving yet. It won't be long before you are running after your big sister. You have quite a few words with meaning: Dada, mama, aaaah-pple, muh (more), bye-bye, buh (banana, ball, book, whatever you need it to mean), up and this strange noise at the back of your throat for cookie and chicken. You follow basic commands like putting things away, giving something to me or my favorite: Aiyae (Hindi word meaning "come here!").

Many people have asked me how I've gone 10+ months without dairy or tomatoes while nursing you and expressed admiration for my willingness to do it. I don't see it that way. That was what was best for you. There was no choice in my mind and though I'm intensely desiring the mint chocolate chip milkshake that awaits me on Tuesday, it wasn't a sacrifice. I'd swear off dairy for the rest of my life if that kept you healthy and pain-free. A mother's love is fierce.

I couldn't understand how I would love two as much as I love one but its happened. I can't explain it; it just is. You are amazingly different from your sister yet my heart stops for both of you. You fill my world with light and joy and I don't want to miss a moment. I know these years are fleeting so my baseboards may not have been scrubbed [ever] and that computer box may have been sitting in the hall for 2 months but I have loved and laughed and lived with you and Kiran and Daddy. That is what matters.

You are my joy, sweet Sienna. I love you so much. Happy first birthday!