Linger

My sweet Sienna-

All of the sudden it hit me this week that you won't be a baby much longer. I kept thinking of your toddler year as being far away but in just four short months you will be 1! We are 2/3 of the way through your baby year, closer to the end than the beginning of it, and I'm kinda emotional about it. I feel like I never get enough of you. I never get enough smiles through your crib rails when I come to get you from napping. I never get enough squeals of laughter when I blow on your tummy. I never catch enough moments of your face lighting up when we are playing peek-a-boo. I want to grab these fleeting moments and hide them somewhere sacred and safe so that when you grow up I can pull them back out, inhaling your babyness, embracing your innocence.

I remember being surprised when you were born that I didn't know you. I had forgotten the get-to-you process that we needed to undertake. I had grown you and felt your kicks, punches and hiccups but I didn't know how you liked to be held or when you liked to go to sleep. But now, oh I know you so well. I know that you did not want to suck on a pacifier but will gladly chew on one now. I know that you will giggle when I bend down to tickle you. I am coming to terms with the fact that you are an introvert and sometimes prefer to be alone. But I also know there is no one who compares to Mommy in your eyes.

Your first year has not been easy with all your intolerances and refluxes yet when you are not screaming, you are so joyful. I think you are going to be our drama queen, our passionate one. I think you will only know how to live 100% and will never understand those who live life cautiously. You are my delight and I do treasure my time with just you. Last night your big sister spent the night with her grandparents and you and I wandered into the library as we do about once a week. I plopped you up on the counter so I could ask for the books they had pulled for me and they flocked to you. Every one of the ladies behind the counter was enamored with you. (I think it helped you were wearing the purple footed outfit with the ruffles on the back- its one of my favorites.) The ladies kept telling me that I had to bring you back and I just wanted to exclaim that you had come before. You are usually overshadowed by your enchanting, charming, verbal old sister. But not for long. You will hold your own in the personality department; I am sure of that.

You are changing before my eyes. Every day you impress with a new skill you have learned: shaking your head no, waving your arm, making your way to the books your sister has stratigically placed far away from you. I think that's part of the emotion welling in me- I see you changing. Leaving baby behind- embracing the future and the freedom it offers. Oh my precious- linger a while longer.

Lord willing I'll hold more babies, nursing them, rocking them but they won't be you. It won't be your baby smell, your toothless smile, your tiny toes and fingers. It won't be you I have to restrain from leaping in the bathtub fully clothed every time I turn the water on. So let's linger... just you and me...we'll linger together as long as possible, drawing out these baby days till we cannot postpone the inevitible any longer.

I love you my baby girl.